Fact: The King of Fighters live-action movie is out in Singapore. Another fact: It may suck balls, if the laws of videogame movie adaptations are of any indication. The casting is anything but accurate, the story is convoluted just for the sake of being convoluted, and the movie reeks of C-grade production values.

Since I’m pretty familiar with KOF-related lore around the office, I’ve decided to make up my own casting call for the Fatal Fury movie. “Wait,” you may ask; “ what does the K.O.F movie has to do with Fatal Fury?” In the official SNK canon, the first King of Fighters tournament was held in Fatal Fury 1. Just look at the blue writings on the title screen for God’s sake.

Anywho, the premise is like any other martial arts revenge flick , only with fireballs and other crazy s*** you see in any martial arts flick involving the supernatural. Geese Howard killed Jeff Bogard ages ago, so Terry and co. participate in the city’s major tournament, called KOF, to kick his @$$. Easy to follow, right? Just get Tony Jaa to direct and choreograph the fight scenes and give him a huge budget for the effects, and he’ll make it work, I swear.

With that said, let’s list out the major players of the series and see which real-life actor/actress can pull off a BUSTAH WOOFF! or can stain their hands with your blood.

Robert Matthew Van Winkle – Duck King

Vanilla Ice to many, he and his ’90s hair should be casted as the hip-hop Blanka rip-off Duck King. As a bonus, he doesn’t even need to act; just let him appear in a short cameo, break the ice (heh) with some funky dance moves and then get punched in the face by Andy or Terry. Easy!

Nathan Jones – Raiden

Can you think of any other big tough guy who can represent the vapor-spewing behemoth serving as Geese’s lackey? Plus, Raiden is from Australia (according to SNK’s bios), and Nathan hails from Queensland.

Ray Park – Billy Kane

Why cast Ray Park as an Aryan-esque blond eyepatch-wearing Genocide Cutting powerhouse, when you can cast him as a British bandana-wearing, denim-brandishing bo-staff wielder instead? Clearly you’ve seen the actor kick ass as Darth Maul in Star Wars Episode One, am I right?

Neal McDonough – Geese Howard

When I saw this guy acting in Tin Man, he was pretty bad-ass. When I saw him in The Legend of Chun-Li, however, I’m not getting any dictator vibe from him; that honor goes to the late Raul Julia. He dons a business suit, gels his hair back, and has that face. I really do not picture “red nazi suit and cape”. Instead, I see this:

It’s probably the eyes. Or the haircut. Or his goddamn smirk. Whatever it is, don’t piss him off lest you get a Raging Storm in the face.

Gong Li – Mai Shiranui

Christ, just look at her figure! Forget those classy dynasty period pieces; she’s born for the role of the buxom ninja in love with Andy Bogard.

Johnny Yong Bosch – Joe Higashi

This guy has done live-action fighting in the Power Rangers series and a few other B-grade action flicks, and he seems to have the comedic chops thanks to his stint in anime voice-acting. I can definitely see him as the live incarnation of everybody’s favorite mooning Muay Thai practitioner.

Chris Klein – Andy Bogard

Another survivor from The Legend of Chun-Li, he’d be the perfect role for the straight-faced blonde-haired ninjitsu practitioner. Yes, I did sit through The Legend of Chun-Li with my sanity still intact and I believe that Chris Klein has the (over)acting chops to be a foil to Terry Bogard’s happy-go-lucky demeanor.

Josh Holloway – Terry Bogard

Christ, the heroes of the film are the hardest to cast, I can tell you that. After seeing this guy in Lost, I figured that he would be perfect for the role as a laid-back martial artist who dresses up in a red jacket, dons a red cap, and wears tattered jeans. Lose the goatee, and we’ve got a winner here!

Maybe I should do a Street Fighter casting call, but I feel that the 1994 one nailed it. There, I said it.