If I’ve learned anything from playing video games (other than the fact that gamers tend to have an unhealthy obsession with beards and/or bearded people; see: Chuck Norris), it’s that real life is nothing like a video game. Yes, no matter how much you wish you were a musclely, Greek god who busts through walls and has frequent, unprotected sex with bare breasted temple maidens, the reality is, in your own life, you can barely turn on your PS3.
If only real life was more like a video game. But it isn’t. We know – we’ve tried. Here’s the top five video game moves that will result in epic IRL fail.
5. Double Jump
As it turns out, you can’t jump off of thin air. If we’d known this before we attempted to vault over a somewhat large sewerage drain in an attempt to reach the tasty looking mushrooms growing on the other side, this list may never have happened. On a related note, you can’t jump straight up, out of water (and other, considerably dirtier fluids) either.
4. Rocket Jump
Unlike the double jump, technically, rocket jumping does work. Firing a high powered explosive directly at your feet will, in fact, propel your body high into the air. Unfortunately, your legs will be no where near it.
3. Food Heals All Wounds
Your parents told you not to eat stuff off the ground for a reason. Tasty looking mushrooms, apples and roast chickens sitting inconspicuously on the ground are not a substitute for a trip to the ER. For the record, hiding behind a wall for 20 seconds doesn’t work either.
2. Lava Swimming
Just no.
1. Shoryuken
Well yes, obviously we know you can’t stick your hands out and shoot fireballs, but this one seemed like it had a reasonable chance at working. As it turns out, jumping up in the air with your fist pointed skywards is not the beat everything counter move we all thought it was.
In fact, rather disappointingly, it itself seems to be easily countered by someone else’s fist in your face/stomach leading, not to glorious victory, but crushing defeat on the floor in the fetal position – with the distinct possibility of uncontrollable sobbing. Maybe it would help if we set our hand on fire first first. Hmm.
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That was clever. I’ll be stopping back.
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