It’s true to assume that rock-hard sentient beings are more fun to control and play as.

Just look at Shale the golem thing (available via DLC, and free to boot if you got the retail box version of the game): he has four styles of combat depending on the situation. He can act as a powerful range character (using Stone Throw as his main attack while sacrificing a bit of defense), be a buffer totem (making sure party members around him get combat bonuses from his aura at the expense of not moving), or a melee style which has Slam and Quake; the former attack knocks down a guy for mega-damage, while the latter makes him do a ground-pound area-effecting attack that stuns anyone around him.

I generally went the uncreative way (melee via Pulverizing Hands and Quaking/Slamming things to death), but savvier players can just change his styles on the fly as long as they keep in mind the cooldown period after switching from one style to another. In short, he’s a jack-of-all-trades kinda fighter with a lot of hit points since he’s made out of stone and all. Of course, you could just level him up to 16 and make him go toe-to-toe with dragon lady Flemeth all by himself, provided you have his fire resistance buffed up and feed him plenty of potions. It also helps that he’s as snarkey as Morrigan and Alistair, referring to your main character as “it” and giving nicknames to his party members.

Oh, did I also forget to mention that in “his” past life, she was a dwarf who used to be in the whole Golem-forging “business” in Orzammar a few years back? Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself.

The other segment of the game where you control a golem-like thing is during a quest where you have to fix things in the Circle Tower, where the Circle of Magi reside. Apparently, some nutter released a bunch of abominations, thus the tower is quarantined with a few mages still stuck inside. It’s up to you to fix it like the nice errand boy you are. Halfway through the tower after swatting off stunt doubles from Hellraiser and psycho blood mages, a Sloth demon blindsided me and put my entire party to sleep. Perchance to dream?

Well, if you’re talking about a dreamland called the Fade, sure. Sure enough, I was by my lonesome self in a world filled with floating columns and walls, a green-slash-brown sky and motive straight out of the 2006 trailer of Killzone 2 (oh, snap!), and visages of Duncan haunting me. After meeting up with another mage trapped in the fade voiced by Liam O’ Brian and being briefed on what’s going on, I have to navigate around the Fade, release my friends from their dream-like fate, and open the centre part of the Fade world to confront the Sloth demon. Along the way, I acquire the power to transform into a mouse, a spectre, a guy on fire, and (drumroll) a friggin’ golem.

It’s true that you have to use each of these newfound Fade forms in the world built like a maze, but damn if it isn’t satisfying just playing a 10-feet guy made out of stone whose only weakness is that spells have a better chance to hurt him. Luckily, the ratio between magicians and melee/range/physical attackers are about 1:4, so I transform into a golem every chance I get. He has Slam, which knocks down a single dude for massive damage, and Quake, which stuns and deals consecutive damage to people around him.

DLC. Shapeshift Into Golem spell. Make it happen, Bioware.

For all the powerful stuff Morrigan can cast, I find it silly that she can’t seem to master the art of turning into a 10-feet stone being. Her “mother” can transform into a 20-feet dragon; I’m very sure Morrigan could at least muster up something that’s at least half that powerful. And don’t give me that “golems are overpowered” schtick: most of the spells in the game are pretty broken if used in an exploitative manner. Sleep + Waking Nightmare combo, Arcane Warrior buffs, Forcefield-trapping, Crushing Prison, a seemingly-weak Winter’s Grasp that has a good chance of freezing things good: I could just go on.

Of course, the true origins of golems in the Dragon Age universe are a little tragic. We’ll get to that next week.

As much as I wanted to prolong my stay in the Fade and be all happy being a golem, I had to go back to reality and kill off the mages in charge of releasing and creating these abominations. After killing the main demon protected in the centre of the Fade by his three demon generals (one tart demon, one rage demon, and one..er…thing), Liam O’ Brian (his digital actor, not the real person doing his voice) sent his farewells and crosses over since he’s weakened from hanging out in the Fade for too long. But he left a gift that could help me in the oncoming battle at the top of the Circle Tower: the Litany of Andralla.

Apparently, these abominations were former mages in the circle thanks to the dark arts conducted by Uldred. The pissed-off Uldred is sore at you because he was originally suppose to light the beacon back during the failed battle of Ostagar. Sore loser much? Anyway, the battle with Uldred isn’t as hard as I thought. He sends in abominations left and right, but thanks to the healing powers of Wynne and my two melee fighters cleaning house, while I use the Litany of Andralla which probably weakens Uldred and stops the abominations from overcrowding the room, it was clear skies and green grass for the Circle of Magi and its occupants. Well, the ones who were still alive after all this, anyway.

Tune in next time when Lady Godiva invade the land of the midgets, goes in a very long haul that rivals the Sacred Urn saga, and tries to mack on her female companions.